Malukah Hair

A Story and an Open Letter to Myself

Oh, boy. I just downloaded Diablo 3.

I say “Oh, boy” because Blizzard and I have a complicated past.

I found World of Warcraft at the perfect time when my life changed unexpectedly. WoW helped me deal with difficult emotions by letting me handle painful reality in small doses. (Thinking back, I will always thank Blizzard for empowering me right after life had done the opposite.)

WoW pushed me back into a numbers system with objective progress, rewards, and an outlined path towards a goal. This made me feel a comfort and happiness I hadn’t felt since I was in school.

I was playing with friends, having a great time. I even tried cutting my hair to match my character. Ha!

Malukah Hair

And then, the game started hurting me for the very same reasons it helped me in the first place. There’s a fine line between coping and denial. I found myself playing until I was literally falling asleep, so I could just stumble into bed and not think about anything. This kept me from having any internal confrontations that needed to happen so I could move forward.

The quick, objective progress in WoW also made my slow, subjective progress as a musician and composer disheartening. Without motivation, my productivity was severely affected.

Now, I have nothing against playing for hours if I feel like it and have the time… I have a problem when it turns me into an irresponsible person.

Being irresponsible makes me feel ashamed… because I know better than that. And being irresponsible because of a game, makes me feel ashamed of playing. I don’t want to be ashamed of doing something I love.

I managed to ease off on the hours I was playing for many months… then like a loop, something bad happened and I found myself staying up until 4 in the morning again. That’s when I finally cancelled WoW.

I still think about it often… especially when I have free time at night… And I still haven’t been able to delete the install. I just moved it to a backup drive. It’s comforting to know it’s there.

So now… Back to Diablo 3, here’s an open letter to myself.

Dear Malukah,

Let this be a good thing that will enrich your life, as any form of art should.

And promise to play only when you feel proud to be playing.

Love,

Myself

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10 Comments

  • Reply Bea

    I notice these written blog posts are becoming rarer and rarer. I always read and enjoy them very much. Your seemingly honest self-reflection proves a clear, strong mind. I seldom comment, but I just wanted you to know, somebody does enjoy these very much!

    January 5, 2016 at 2:24 am
    • Reply malukah

      Hi, Bea! You just made my day. For the last couple of months, since I broke my site and had to redesign it (haha! I always break it because I think I know more about web design than I really do…) I’ve been wondering a lot about this space. My whole internet journey started with this blog. It used to be in Spanish, and I used to update it several times a week with both nonsense and more in depth posts. Then, I started making videos to share in this blog, and the response to the video side took me by surprise. It’s been wonderful, but it has also left me feeling like I miss the blog posts. I miss writing. Because, you are right, it’s a chance for self-reflection… For a long time, I’ve been talking myself out of it because I questioned if anybody ever really read this kind of thing anymore. I’m so happy to know you do. Thank you for taking the time to leave this comment. It has really inspired me to pick this back up. 🙂 My best wishes to you for 2016!!

      January 5, 2016 at 4:54 am
  • Reply Sylith242

    So true what you say here again ! I know a lot of people who have been in your position. Video games and especially RPG can be a real help if you don’t fall into addiction.
    We should always put the priorities to the right places !
    I’m glad to see you manage to get out of that negative wheel and you look like you’re doing so well now ^^

    January 11, 2017 at 5:13 pm
    • Reply Malukah

      Thank you, Sylith! And it’s always that is something on my mind. Especially with MMO’s… watch the time… be aware of the time… hahaha! 😀

      January 14, 2017 at 4:10 pm
      • Reply Sylith242

        I noticed with the streams you don’t have to watch the clock anymore since you have a ThorPoopyClock to remind you to take a break 😀

        January 14, 2017 at 4:24 pm
        • Reply Malukah

          ahaha ThorPoopyClock. hahahaha! It never fails 😀

          January 14, 2017 at 4:44 pm
          • Sylith242

            This and Manzana Alert are definitely the most reliable things on earth ! 😀

            January 14, 2017 at 4:47 pm
  • Reply Zanktom

    I just found this post on your blog today, and now i realize that i’m in a similar situation than you. Some moments in my life were very hard, and online video games helped me in these moments. But now, by seeing this post, it just opens my eyes on the fact that video games are not a good but an easy way to manage the problems of the life. I told you in some posts that i play the piano, but first of all, i decided to play the piano to share my passion of the music with others. But the fact is that lot of people who i know are not very interested by the music i play. So, like you, i found a “shelter” in video games to avoid this kind of situation. And now, by reading this post, i see all the problems it generates : my practice of the piano is really bad now, i became irresponsible and i’ve no motivations on doing whatevathething i want because, even if i just think about a thing i want to do, i say to myself : people i know just don’t care, why should i care ?. Video games just keep me moving forward, like a souless being … Maybe by not thinking always for the others and what they seem to want, but thinking more about me and myself could help me to do things that i really want to do. (seems really selfish said like that, but i’m sure that if i don’t change, the next week, as i said, i’ll try to play Covered in Red a few times, and after, i’ll just left it behind me, like all the things i do for now …..)

    May 3, 2017 at 4:37 pm
    • Reply Malukah

      I think the most import thing above all, is being aware. Knowing how you are spending your time. Sometimes, it’s ok to need and seek shelter, or a place to feel comfortable. But it’s good to be conscious of when you no longer need shelter and should be moving forward. 🙂 And this awareness, like you say, thinking more about yourself and what you want, will help point you in the right direction. 🙂 Thanks for reading and for sharing your story, Zanktom!

      May 20, 2017 at 12:23 am
  • Reply Zanktom

    Thank you for your answer, seeing it just opened my eyes. It really helped me to find a possible solution to get the hell out of this vicious circle. I decided to restart seriously my practicing of the piano, maybe that if i play more for myself, like i said, it could help to point me in the right direction, like you said ^^. Thanks again for taking the time to answer me. I think it would be hella great if i can rebuild my piano skills from its ashes XD (don’t know if it’s the right way to say that, and i don’t care ^^)

    May 20, 2017 at 8:30 pm
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