Jenny of Oldstones Malukah

Jenny of Oldstones – Reliving the Past

This cover video was challenging to make because it unexpectedly brought back all sorts of fears and insecurities that I’ve worked hard to overcome.

Cristy, once again, helped me film this. As soon as I started seeing some test shots on the camera’s viewfinder, I felt self-conscious and uncomfortable.

Don’t ask me why. I hadn’t felt like this in such a long time.

I will never understand how warped the mind can get in certain circumstances. I was overtaken by the feeling that I was going to do a terrible job and the video was going to suck because of me, and why do I do this? Why am I wasting Cristy’s time? And should I find a different job? Cause I’m definitely horrible at this one. And ugh… why am I still so overweight? Why didn’t I do this…? and that…?

My brain was so chatty and had many strong, mean-spirited opinions.

I’ve gone through this enough times in the past to know these extreme feelings are not real. They’re just moments when despair takes over and talks very loudly, like an annoying know-it-all, and doesn’t let me have a say.

I’m proud I was able to keep working. I did my best to ignore all the fake hatred my mind was spewing. It hurt, but I kept going.

I’m thankful that I did. The next day, I watched the video… and it was fine. Absolutely nothing like the horrific version I had self-edited in my mind.

Guess my mind just needed a diva moment of woe is me. Hahaha!
Thanks for reading,
Malu

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